


It Had To Be Done

by Smteaacdesy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Self-Harm, brief mentions of anxiety, but its something, its pretty shit, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-11 00:53:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8946622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smteaacdesy/pseuds/Smteaacdesy
Summary: Hinata has had enough with everything; people, society and life. With depression at an all time low, he did the only thing he could think to do.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has nothing to do with the other fan fic I'm writing but I was procrastinating and this happened. So yeah, enjoy.

Hinata and Kageyama lived together, best friends and flatmates at the same time. It was nice, they always had each other to rely on but Hinata chose not to rely on him, no matter how hard it got. It was too much hassle to explain to Kageyama why he is the way he is and how he feels about everything. It was much easier to carry on the way he is now and worry about the outcome later on.

His methods of dealing with depression were working to a certain degree but it wasn't enough. Shallow cuts did nothing anymore, he needed something else, he needed to cut deeper. He'd been scared of cutting any deeper for the longest time, he didn't want to die, at least he thought he didn't want to die but now he's not so sure. What's to good about the world anyway? All people do these days is bully others to give their own existence a meaning. Everything was bullshit, nothing good happened anymore. Happiness was basically non existent now and even if it was there Hinata couldn't feel it. The only thing he felt was pain. But strangely enough, he didn't feel pain when he cut himself, he actually felt something, he didn't know what he felt but it was something. And that something was slowly fading away, the shallow cuts weren't doing anything anymore. He needed it, he couldn't lose the one thing that made him happy, even if it was unconventional happiness it didn't matter. It was important and it had to stay. 

Hinata had a sort of routine with his self harming; he would go into the bathroom when he was sure Kageyama was asleep and lock the door behind him, he couldn't risk getting caught. He would then dig around in the cabinet for the razors, they were kept in a small box that got tucked away out of sight so that they couldn't be found. Usually he would make lots of little shallow cuts on his hips, they were the easiest to hide and they healed pretty quick too. Today was different though, the cuts were going to be on his thigh instead, it was risky seeing as he played volleyball but at this point it doesn't matter. He shouldn't be worrying about whether his teammates would see his cuts when he doesn't know if he'll ever see his teammates again. For now he would just think about cutting, the first time he would be cutting deep was more stressful than he initially thought. What if he cut too deep and cut a vein? what if he cut a main artery? All sorts of questions kept filling his head so before he had any doubts he did it.

With one swift motion the blade cut open his skin and sent a small stream of blood flowing down his leg. Nothing had ever felt this way but he loved it, the intense feeling of euphoria he got was something he had never experienced before and he needed more. More and more cuts filled his thigh which sent more and more streams of blood flowing down to the floor. Eventually a little pool formed at his feet and that was the moment he regretted it. Cleaning up was a pain and took a lot of effort but he had to do it. It was just another mundane task that comes with having a mundane life. If only life was better, then maybe he wouldn't be in this situation, maybe he would be happy. 

There was only one thing he could do if he wanted to be happy, that was to cut until he couldn't cut anymore and the only time when we wouldn't be able to cut would be when he is dead. He could get professional help about his depression and anxiety to help him be happy but that was all too much hassle, this would be much quicker and easier. No one exactly cares about him anyway, people say that they care but it's just lies they create in order to feel better about themselves, to give them an extra qualification for making new friends. It's easy to say you care about someone when in reality you just want to punch them in the face but that's not the point. The point is, people don't give a shit, so suicide is a plausible solution to Hinata's problems. Even if someone did care, they didn't really show it. 

Anyway, all he had to do was pick his method and write a suicide note, maybe plan a date to do it as well. It's better to be prepared after all. The sooner the better, staying in this shitty world for much longer is just gonna be things worse, it was Friday night so Sunday would be a good day, he didn't have any plans so he could make his note perfect. All he needed to do now was pick a method, pills would be good but he had no way of getting enough to kill him so that was ruled out. Hanging was also plausible but he had no idea how to tie a noose or where he would hang himself. He kind of wanted to go with what made him feel happiest and that was cutting. It wouldn't be difficult to just lie in the bath and feel everything fade to black, it would be peaceful.

While thinking of his plan his cuts had stopped bleeding and he decided it would be best to go get some sleep, the amount of blood he had lost was making him feel feint. He was in bed and close to drifting into sleep until he heard Kageyama walk towards the bathroom. Then it hit him, he forgot to clean up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for basically dying far over a month, school was literally killing me and the stress was too much but it's the holidays soon so hopefully I'll be able to write more.

The only thing Hinata could do was run to the bathroom as fast as he could but his legs said otherwise. Due to the amount of blood he lost and the amount he cut himself it was difficult to stand let alone run. It would be disastrous if Kageyama found out though. Hinata got out of bed and ran to the bathroom despite his legs screaming at him to rest. His bedroom was closest to the bathroom so getting there before Kageyama was easy. The not so easy part was cleaning up the slowly drying blood before Kageyama becomes annoyed that he's taking too long. He probably had about 5 minutes at the most so he had to try his best to clean in that time. 

He did it, somehow. Hinata had managed to clean up all the blood but Kageyama didn't even need to go into the bathroom, he went to the kitchen to get a drink instead. So really he didn't need to rush but it's better safe than sorry. Still, he had been seen staggering into the bathroom and it would be a miracle if Kageyama didn't ask any questions about it. The only thing Hinata could do was go to sleep and hope for the best.

Morning came and the pain was really kicking in, cutting deeper meant more risk of infection and more pain. Both of which were starting to happen, some of the cuts had started swelling and bleeding again which caused even more pain. It would all be over soon though. Today would be spent planning the suicide and writing the note, it had to be perfect after all. But he had never written a suicide note before, what was he supposed to write about. The only thing he knew was that it was going to be a very long day. 

It was stressful. The note was going terribly, nothing was coming to mind and whenever he did think of something and wrote it down, it didn't make any sense. Hinata didn't have a very good way with words and he couldn't really ask anyone for help because it's a suicide note, if he asked someone for help the would undoubtedly do something to stop him unless they were complete idiots. He had to just keep trying and make it work, obviously it's easier said than done but he had to do it. Well, he didn't have to do it but it would be unfair on everyone else if their so called "ball of sunshine" suddenly killed himself for no apparent reason. Thinking of what to was the wasn't the only issue though, the cuts were agonising despite having taken loads of meds to take the pain away. Only a few more hour though. It would all be over soon.


	3. The End

It was time. The final preparations had been made and the only thing left to do was die. It was starting to get scary though. What if he failed? What if Kageyama found him in time and managed to save him? So many questions but no answers, the only thing Hinata could do was try to kill himself. If it didn't work then he would be well and truly fucked but if it did work then he would have eternal peace. He would be away from all the bullshit in this godforsaken world and he would be happy.

Hinata sat in the bathroom with his emotions all over the place. There was no turning back time though, he'd spent all Saturday perfecting his note, it would be a waste if he didn't kill himself now.

He had been sat down on the bathroom floor for around half an hour before there was a knock at the bathroom door. "Hinata? Are you okay, you've been in there for ages." Kageyama was noticing something was wrong, the concern in his voice was obvious. After choking on his words, Hinata gave out a small "I'm fine" and opened the bathroom door. He quickly walked past and into his bedroom to avoid any further questioning, he couldn't have Kageyama worrying about him when he's about to end his life.

After waiting until Kageyama had gone out Hinata went back into the bathroom and prepared for the main event. He placed the note on the sink next to where he put the blades. It was gonna be his death, why not make it at least a little bit dramatic. With this in mind, he cut his wrist a few times, letting the blood drip onto his note and then he sat down. He decided not to die in the bath because it was too uncomfortable, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall facing the door would be perfect.

He didn't have much time, Kageyama would be back soon so he had to be quick. But still, he was hesitating, playing with the blades in his hands. No. He had to do this before his indecisiveness made him falter in his actions. So, with one quick, deep swipe he cut vertically along his arm. Blood poured like a stream and his left arm gradually went numb. But before he lost complete feeling in his arm he repeated the action on the right arm. Two streams of blood poured onto the floor, creating a large pool around him. His entire life flashed before his eyes, the hard times and the great times. As the world faded to black Hinata had only one thought.  _I will finally be happy._

 

* * *

 

Kageyama had only been gone half an hour but in that time so much had happened. He came home to see a tiny bit of blood oozing out of the bathroom from underneath the door. He instantly went into panic mode and started frantically knocking on the door, hoping that someone would answer. But with no such luck he decided he would have to force the door open, it was difficult but he did it eventually. What he saw on the other side on the door made his heart drop. His best friend slouching against the wall with gaping cuts on his arms. The only thing he could think to do was run over and pray to god that he was still alive.  _Why would he do this? why didn't I notice? He was always happy in practice so why? Why did he have to kill himself?_ After checking his pulse and realising nothing was there, the only thing he could do was cry. Cry and regret. What had gone wrong? Was it Kageyama, did he do this?

Finally, he calmed down enough to call an ambulance to take the body away. He had never experienced anything like this before, the pain on losing someone you cared about. It was like a part of him had been torn out and wasn't allowed to be given back. In short, it was the worst experience he had ever been through. But it was going to get worse, there was still the note to read.

Kageyama was hesitant to read it though, it would definitely destroy him to find out what Hinata had written, why he had decided to kill himself. He knew he had to do it though, if he didn't do it now then he would regret it for the rest of his life.

_I'll be dead by the time you're reading this. I don't know who you are, most likely Kageyama, but still, I feel obligated to write this. It's what most people do when they kill themselves, they leave notes and then their loved ones read it and get all sad and everything. Anyway, the first thing I think I should say is sorry. I'm sorry for leaving, I know that I shouldn't regret leaving and I don't because it's better this way but still, I am sorry that I left you. I've just been sad for so long and nothing is making me feel better, not even volleyball. I love all my friends and my family, especially my little sister but I just couldn't stay for any longer. I don't wanna be sad anymore. I wanna be happy and this is the only solution I can think of without getting other people involved. I don't want to die but this is the only thing I can think of. And I don't want anyone to regret not seeing that I've been sad. If anything, I should be the one to regret making you sad but like I said, it's better this way. I'm not sad anymore, I don't have to deal with people who are horrible to others and I don't have to put up with people who I don't like anymore. I know it's selfish to kill myself so that I am happy but if I stayed then I would of ended up hurting people. I was falling apart. There was nothing anyone could do to fix it either. At my funeral, don't cry. I don't want anyone to be sad because I'm not around, you should rejoice in the fact that I'm in a better place but I don't think it'll go that smoothly. It'd be hard not to cry at a funeral no matter who it's for, even if it's for a low life like me._ _I only have one other thing to say before I go. Kageyama, you were the best friend that I ever had._

_I'm sorry. Goodbye_ _..._

 

And just like that, Hinata had gone, passing all his sadness to the people around him, especially Kageyama. His life had changed and would never be the same, no matter how long he waited, he could never find anyone to replace Hinata. It would never be the same without him. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this piece of shit. I hoped you enjoyed it :)


End file.
